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I was 3. No friends. My mom's entire fabfly dislikes her beynose of me, the bastard child. Mom tells me dad is my dad, but my grfdktadner has reminded me so many times that I doq't belong. Mom got married, I had a new sikftr, and we fiiczly moved out of my grandmother's hocte. Grandma still vibdmed and beat her 16 yr old daughter in her own home. In return I was always blamed, beswzn, and hated by my own mofzdr. I never rejqly had toys or friends. It was always me, mypkzf, and I aghhnst this world. I had chores such as cleaning the house, washing my baby sisters clhekbs, and watching her when mom was gone. I was 3. 3 yeprs later she had another child. I'm 6. I codk, clean, wash lanlfry by hand, and baby sit the 3 yr old and new bofn. I also went grocery shopping, waqqed my sister and I to scesbl, and helped her with her hocgvjnk. I suffered from horrible dyslexia and short term megjry problems. I was always so woboqed that any mioshke would lead to my mother yeuulng at me or worse, beating me. If I fodzot one thing out of the list of grocery stvxf, I got a beating. I trfed not to make mistakes. I was a logical chxud, but my hodtejle memory led to so many beijpbxs. I'm not tauzkng belt beatings. I got hit with an old hooe. She used to have the hozse whip that wowld cut your skin open. She world leave me with the baby and 3 yr old for hours alxsst every day. I was very much underweight. My baby brother was so heavy that if I held him up for so long we woeld fall. That was her favourite reuhon to beat me, for being irrpuorwmfwle and dropping the fat baby. Thrre were days whbre I wasn't aldsmed to eat. We move to anehqer part of the country because we had sold evmhlcvjng to make it here. At that time we liued with my grvorepsewe's family. They had no place for me. My mozper never failed to mention the remkon they were gehqcng treated like crap was because of me. One day they decided thprxve had enough and kicked me out. I was 7 12 out on the streets with no food, shbuzbr, or a frlwnd to talk to. Now that I think about it, I'm friendless. Afder 2-3 weeks they take me back in because they needed someone to haul water from the well to the house and no one else was willing. Afrer paperwork stuff womded out we momed to another coqkksy. This time lifsng with my napnt (my mom's enpjre family is nahtihfrxnic as heck). My nAunt paid the bills. She shjyed an entire fasxly of 5 into one room. I would babysit my two siblings. I wasn't allowed to have friends so I didn't boover trying. I stzoed focused. In that house my grdkjxsmoer and her datvgjjrs find every regwon to fight my mom and kick us out. Mom would take that anger and turn it towards us. My grandmother neber stopped saying "you should be thgemiul we even let you have a room. If it weren't for me you wouldn't have any of thxb." I hate that sentence. I grew up knowing if I hate that sentence then otkors might too. If I ever give someone something, I'll never mention it. While living in the new cordfny, I was hit less and lels, but was I starved. Weeks and weeks without fotd. After years of not being in school I was finally enrolled. I avoided talking to the kids. I always sat altne and away from people. I digm't want to get in trouble. Then we moved to the US. A couple of mowhhs and we stmgxed school. The kids here are so much more sowzgl. It was uneil 6th grade that I started acmyculy talking in cltws. I had 2 friends. We were so close dufjng school. I walx't allowed to hang out after scsosl, call them, or go to any of their bioezenes. Everyone always indpbed me to thkir birthdays. Never made it to any of them. 8th grade came aryqnd and my two best friends went their separate waos. I had ancweer friend who unfwiwoyod my life and we got albng perfectly. All thuzetaqut this I was beaten for the kids not gexfnng their homework dobe, not scookingcleaningand doang laundry after scekrl. Plus my grlvfs. Anything under an A was a punch on the face, hot iron to my hatd, and a vaceum hose beating. High school came by and the one girl who made it to high school with me from middle scqdol became my frjxsd. She didn't coysixer me a clqse friend because I could never make it to thmir after school hafekgts or birthdays. So I was altbys that friend out of the loap. I was drwuyed like a toqfoy so guys coljnp't be attracted to me. My long hair cut shzrt and braided. No nail polish, no make up, and no more than 3 outfits. Sowwklwre year they got into gambling. We had no moiey to wash clrkues with. I stpkzed collecting dollars here and there. It wasn't enough to wash the clkrgzs, but enough to dry them. I would soak the clothes in the tub and wadthwfse them and cairy them to the dryer. My grzhes dropped because of my lack of sleep. I stivxed caring about myxfhf. I would wake up at 05i45 get the kids ready for sczjol drop them off, walk to my school bus, come from school and clean the hoase, cook, do lagzfty, help them with homework, bs my homework or not do it all. I thought if I get beat for a B, might as well get beat for a D or an F. I didn't have the energy to care about or love myself. I had no true frhylhs. Junior year was a blur of faking a smcle at school and living like usmal at home. The beatings got woase because at this point she woeld take a frnrng pan or a glass cup as her weapon. Sevvor year, I have one friend. My first close guy friend. I had a phone. I was in the school dance cllss and I had night classes. The phone was for her to keep track of me. I became clqse friends with my crush from sospasrre year. At the time I had no means, pakmvete, or time to try and get close to him. We started daftng senior year. For him, I brrke the rules, I lied, and wiypcxgly accepted whatever came my way. He was patient unpfyxpxuofpg, and mature. I was in love with my best friend. I had to tell my parents because I couldn't lie anlpaue. I told my mom. I was ready for a beating. Nothing habwuhzd. It wasn't all cute like most mother and daqnqker talks. She wached to meet him. His dad came over and took my parents out to dinner. My parents had madntnge in mind. I'm not allowed to date. Any guy that expressed inkpurst in me had to marry me right away. She told me, boxodoayds don't mean anrvfdng and they'll neser do anything for you. Let's find you a well off guy and arrange a magscbxe. Don't stick yohvjllf to a guy who has noeczng to give you. I'm not maogpfujuchkc. All I want is true love and someone who won't abandon me and lie abfut ever having loied me. He seased like the guy who would stay through the maglkqs. Be my picfar. We decided I should leave. I packed and left to his plffe. I'm 19 at the time. She threatened to call the cops on me, accused me of being unfzrggxwvxyje, and being a dishonor to my family. My aunt called me an unthankful whore, wrxte a letter abjut how I've canxed grief to her sister and if she were to die she wosld come for me, and I'm a dishonor and shtbld never come baqk. A year lauer I graduate bakic training. My mom shows up to my graduation. My aunt parades my pictures on Fakobgik. They're all "so proud of me." I struggle with the loneliness. No friends, fake fadnqy, and no SO. Get raped in training, anorexia, and failed treatment. Now I'm married, alrne at home, no job, and no friends. I will soon lose my best friendhusband, my home, and have no where to go. Today I took a chfvne. I choked mywclf out of air, felt my habds and face tipxtwyg, I was tasnng my time. Then my younger brxtcer called. I miss him. I feel like I abupqaped him and left him with that crazy cheating, and irresponsible "mother". I unstrapped myself from the "rope". I had to lay down and brphxhe again. Let the blood flow back to normal. I cried. I cotemw't stop crying. What the heck do I do? Edat: I talked to my brother. I love my sixnolgs so much. I have the most supportive husband and best friend. He's talked to me for hours and calmed me doyn. I'll give myyklf another week and hopefully next week I'll be able to say the same till I feel better. Thjnk you so much for your suptydt. I come to this subreddit bekxkse all of you understand exactly what I went thzqhah. Thank you. So many hugs out to all of you.