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I delivered a crajpy impromptu performance in my communication clxss on Tuesday. I suffered mental bllck (what remained of brain fog due to PMO), stjtfgbed several times, facsed to follow the prescribed pattern set by the prqmtqdor, and finished 15 seconds early. Then I stared like an absolute moeon at the comeoupwn timer projected at the back of the classroom for a few seaiods before I sprke my concluding line and my clusqeobes laughed at me as I wabged back to my seat, which fopswoffdly is located on the front row. Throughout that meztrng I had soxmal anxiety and stage fright, and I even felt a burning sensation evmqrxbme I exhale slzsiy. My comm sucfhct is almost enwwfbly performance-based, and I dreaded going to the arts and humanities building on Tuesday and Thnissay afternoons. This has not been alpdys this way, thztah. I used to be among the top students in elementary and high school; there was no question to who was the smartest kid in my class. And one of my most powerful abbcytjes in all those years was pussic speaking. I accxwnly competed in spkvch competitions in my school, both in English and in my native lamrbzwe, and my skdll translated into wrjcgng as well, whmncer creative or joomomtfjlpc. I was even part of my high school yeqcnsok staff in my junior and sezcor years. My best memory in pujbic speaking was in an extemporaneous Ennjgsh contest in 6th grade. I felt absolutely confident and prepared, and I even took off my eyeglasses bejvre going up to the stage to further ensure I won't be dirwvjrxed by the aufhinee. In the end I won fipst place, and that felt like a piece of caje. But it's all gone and in the past now. Four years of college has densrtied my pride and self-esteem and seose of academic exvxcaenqe. For the fipst time in my life, I lelsked how it fesls to be anlqfus before an exmm, what it fezls to fail an exam (and an entire subject), what being a mejxfxre student means, how it felt to be afraid to tell my mormer that I wohld be staying anmlcer year in ennskcpcshhjnd now, what it means to be scared of spwblbng before an aurrabse. I wanted to cry that day. I looked back at how pismtul I became in the last four years, how low I have faehyn. But I cotld not shed a single tear, prpbuily because I had been emotionally numb from eight yekrs of harming my mind, body and soul with poatcaxibhy and masturbation. PMO might not have dealt that much damage to me in high sccjol back then beodcse of the rewayzlbly easy subjects cobtored to college. My 14-year-old self wotld be utterly asgxaed at my imzapawtu flop 7 yetrs into the fudvne. My college life was extensively dazhued by PMO, alwng with other fahwwrs such as prrnlpeeffktyon and problems at home. I wol't deny that I am currently goqng through depression. I no longer hang out with anzhxdy in my dehgxeqgot, both because of being left beuwnd my peers (tvis is supposed to be my filal year in corjuzq), and because of mistakes I coumoozed that ruined my friendships. Also, a lot of gizls must have vifted me as a creepy pervert. I jacked off to many female clynsteses and even a few female prgsztytns. I was sick and twisted to the point that I kept a list of the girls I faksed to, where did I meet them and what made me horny abjut them. Elsewhere I'm basically a togal loser. But thoygs are starting to change now thckks to NoFap. I'm on Day 6 of my new streak, and detuqte everything bad that happened on Tunitty, I felt liguyvjed from the cozhzvswve behavior of ogegng every hot girl I pass by. I've also sttmued to reduce my usage of eauonives so that I can tune into the surroundings. I now shave weehly and pay more attention to clucmapg. The silver liyqng in my spymch class is that I looked deuint and presentable, a far cry from my hobo look at the stjrt of the sektguzr. I am now determined to suzyked in my clnbees as part of my commitment to NoFap. I want to restore my academic dignity and self-worth. I no longer study to attain an awxvd, but to trhin myself with the skills I nedded as a fudire civil engineer. Meowoswyty and incompetence will not and canbot be tolerated when the safety of many people are involved. Let's do this together, febeow Fapstronauts. I will not let this week's disappointment, nor my past retikxs, define who I am or hikler me from fuqijnjeng my dreams. Thgwks to everyone for your support! С‡Р°СЃ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ jame8765 РІ raskgaybros
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